>> 2004.12.10 [ Mailing List ]
Dear Everyone,
It has been 7 months since…. I spent one week in Canberra and Sydney this November. I met his friends, ate at his favorite restaurants and walked around the campus to feel him there. It was a very emotional trip, but I am glad that I did it.
I have never visited him in Canberra and Sydney, so I don't have any memory or image of him being there. When I visited several places, nothing really clicked inside of me, but meeting Mino's friends and talking about him brought me a strong sense of his life there. Everyone that I met had many fun memories of him and I constantly felt that he was still somewhere, just could not make it, so that only I was meeting with his friends.
I realized that many people felt they have not done enough for him while he was still with us. But I want you to know this. He refused to see anyone particularly who just wanted to see him before he died. He was fighting his illness, just thinking of getting better to see you. There were only a few friends who actually saw him, but they helped him on moving or on manuscript of his book, rather than just came to see him. As I read through his messages during his illness recently, I noticed he kept asking you to understand that he could not see you due to his conditions. One of his friends that I met in Canberra told me, "I wanted to see him, but I respected his wish. Then, after he died, someone told me that I should have just visited him." I apologize that you could not see him, but I really appreciate those who granted his wish rather than pursuing your own wish to see him before he died.
We all still feel that we could have, we should have done something more for/with him while he was still here. Just praying for a miracle, my parents, my husband (He could not tell him things such as "Don't worry about your sister.") and myself as well as you, suffer from some sort of regret. When I cried saying that I wish I could spend more time with him in Melbourne, Mino's very close friend said to me, "He always felt you were there, which gave him an enormous security and relief. Every time I saw him, he always talked about you." As in his messages, he always felt your love and support. He wrote the last message to you a week before his passing, wished to spend his remaining time with his family, prepared a card for Mother's Day the day before his passing, and shouted my name twice as his final words while his parents were at his bed side. Please believe that you were also there for him along with his family.
Have a happy holiday season. I will write to you again in 2005. Thank you very much for your love and support throughout this rough year.
The new contents on the website are as follows;
* Mino's profile
* Memory collection: Mino's CD collection
* Scholarship funds: Added International House Scholarship page, but the details will follow.
* Written by Yuki Hokari (speech, including the UNSW IH scholarship award ceremony on 2004/11/13 and my messages during his illness, etc.)
* Mailing List page under "Written by Yuki": Password required
From Yuki, lately thinking a lot of his pre-school age days.
===================The following part is written in Japanese.===================
親愛なる皆様
もう7ヶ月がたちました。11月に私はシドニーとキャンベラで1週間ほど過ごしてきました。実の友人に会い、彼が通ったレストランで食事をし、彼が学んだキャンバスを歩きました。たくさんの涙を流した旅でしたが、行ってよかったと思っています。
私は病気になる前の彼をオーストラリアにたずねたことがないので、彼がよく足を運んだ場所に行っても、あまりピンとこなかったのですが、彼の友人に会って楽しい思い出話を聞かせてもらったとき、そこに彼の存在を強く感じました。あの1週間、彼はまだどこかに生きていて、たまたま都合がつかなくて、私だけが彼の友人と会っているようなそんな感覚を常に抱えていました。
多くの人に会って、皆さんが最後に彼に会えなかったことを残念に思っていることを身にしみて感じました。でも、わかってほしいのです。本当に最後の最後まで希望を捨てなかった弟は、「最後にひと目だけでも会いたい」と思っているような人とは決して会おうとしませんでした。そして、「元気になってみんなと会う」その一念で闘病していました。実際に彼が面会したのはほんの数人であり、その人たちも見舞いではなく、引越しの手伝い、出版の手伝いなどがその面会目的でした。彼の闘病中のメッセージを読み返すと、彼が繰り返し残念ながら面会できないことを訴えていることがわかります。キャンベラで会った一人は「僕は彼に会いたかったけど、元気になったらという彼の意思を尊重した。それなのに、亡くなってからある人に『何をいわれても会いにいけばよかったのに』と言われた」と私に言いました。お見舞いをお断りして本当に申し訳なく思っています。でも、自分が最後にひと目会いたいからではなく、「元気になったら」という彼の気持を尊重してくれた人たちに、改めて心から御礼申し上げます。
私達は皆それぞれ、彼が生きているうちに何かもっとすべきことがあったのではないか、なにかできたことがあったのではないかという思いをいまだに抱えています。希望だけを見つめていた、私の両親も、私も、私の夫も（彼は最後にメルボルンで弟に会った時、例えば「お姉さんのことは心配するな」などの言葉を伝えることができませんでした）、貴方達も皆、それぞれの重さと大きさのその思いを抱えています。存分に弟との最後の時間をすごせなかったと泣く私に、最初から最後まで私達を手伝ってくれた実の友人が「でも彼は常に貴方の存在を感じていた。それがどれほどの安心感を彼に与えていたことか。私と会うと、彼は必ず貴方の話をしていたのよ」と言ってくれました。そして、彼のメールにあったとおり、貴方達の愛情と励ましを、彼は常に感じていたのです。亡くなる数日前に貴方達へのメッセージを書き、最後まで家族と過ごしたいと望み、前日に母の日のカードを準備し、両親に見守られて私の名前を二度叫んだのが、彼の最後の言葉となりました。私達家族と共に、最後まで貴方達友人も彼のそばにいた、どうかそう信じてください。
この辛い2004年に、私達家族と共にそこにいてくださった貴方達に、心より御礼申し上げます。どうかよいお年をお迎え下さいませ。
新コンテンツ at www.hokariminoru.org
* プロフィール
* 思い出コレクション：ＣＤコレクション
* A songline for Minoruの和訳
* 二つの記念奨学基金
* 書評リスト
* 同人誌エッセイ「純粋新潟高校批判」から、Written by Yuki内にあるエッセイへのリンク）
* Written by Yuki (11月13日に出席したニューサウスウェールズ大学インターナショナルハウスの奨学金授与式でのスピーチを含め、語る会でのスピーチ、闘病中のメッセージなど)
* Written by Yuki"内の「メーリングリスト」のページ：パスワードが必要です。
由紀 （最近、弟の幼稚園の頃のことをよく思い出します。）